I know I don’t actually hate October, but then again, there’s a little part of me that does.
Today is October 26. The day that changed me in ways I just can’t put into words.
Four years ago Paul and I had to walk into Covenant knowing that I was about to get induced, and I would go through labor only to deliver a baby we would never take home. The pain from that experience still takes my breath away.
I dread this day. I pray that somehow I could just sleep through it and wake up a few days later and not have to relive it. But that doesn’t happen. And frankly, I wake up every other day of the year just glad I woke up again, because, well, I came all to close to not waking up three years in this very same month. But this date….I wish I could.
Each year since we lost him, I’ve scheduled an appointment of some kind so at the very least I don’t have to try to hold it together at school. This year was no different. I was dreading the appointment though. Tears were threatening to fall all the way there. This was the first time I was seeing someone other than the man who delivered Noah, sat with me the night I delivered Stephen, and literally saved my life with Josephine. And I wasn’t happy about it, but things change, people move, and life goes on.
I was still grumpy about it.
Then I walked in and saw a familiar face. We spent time catching up and sharing what was going on in our lives and reminiscing all those events from the past. A small sigh of relief on my part. Then I sat to wait. I heard someone else say, “I heard you were here!” Another familiar face… after hugs and more catching up, I started to feel even better.
It wasn’t long until I got called back for my appointment. And I met my new doctor. She wanted to “catch up” on my history…..25 minutes, a partial box of kleenex, and a whole lot of questions later, we both came to realize I am not the average patient for my age! It’s one thing to think about all the things I’ve been through, but when you sit and go through all of them with someone new….I’m kind of a hot mess!!
She was kind and showed genuine care though, and that was all I needed! The appointment ended and as I was leaving, ran into yet another nurse friend. More hugs. More catching up. More memories shared.
It’s an odd feeling to realize that many of the people I know today are because of the struggles I have been through. It amazes me to see their faces light up when they recognize me. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel loved. It makes me remember just how blessed I am.
But I still hurt. The phrase that time heals all wounds just isn’t true for me. At least not yet. The tears still fall so easily. I still find myself struggling to catch my breath at times. My heart still hurts in a way that practically suffocates me. I work hard to fight against it. I do everything in my power to find the joy in every day. I do things like dress in 8 different shirts for favorite team day to help me focus on something else. I take my daughter out for lunch. I get a check up to be sure I’m healthy enough to stick around for a long time for my family. We go to Dance Marathon events to help raise awareness and money to keep other parents from having to have sad stories to share. We send balloons to heaven, not only for Stephen, but for Ava, and my Grandpa, and many others we have loved and lost. I try to find ways to keep others positive. I smile when all I want to do is cry. In a few days it will be November, and I will have survived another October.
It was ironic how many people I encountered today. On a day I wanted to be left alone! Some of the people I’ve known a long time. Some only a few years. Some were strangers. Many of them had no idea what this day is to me. We often don’t know what others are going through. We need to remember to be gentle with all people. Be kind to them. Be patient with them. I’m going to pray for all the struggles I know people are facing….someone’s spouse who is facing cancer again, a friend whose baby might be coming sooner than planned on, someone still struggling with losing her husband, someone who is facing declining health, someone who just can’t get over losing their child. But maybe more importantly, I’m also going to pray for all the struggles I don’t know about…Everybody’s story is different, but we all have our own “October” to face. I hope you will join me in prayer!
Pray for those who maybe, sort of hate October….
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